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It's Never Been My Lifestyle


My fiancé recently got out on parole; however, he is not the same. He went back to his old way of life doing drugs, except for the meth.

Do you see him ever settling down and going straight? It has never been my lifestyle at all.


Dear It's Never Been My Lifestyle,

So much of what you seek with him is elusive. No one can do for another what they are not willing to do for themselves. It is simply impossible.

Loving someone despite their painful life choices and challenges is commendable. However, you must be wise and protect yourself, lest you fall prey to your own illusion of the outcome you desire that may never come.

You cannot cure or save him. That deep work and commitment must originate from within him if he is to ever experience and achieve lasting change, sobriety, and recovery. Others can assist; however, the ultimate responsibility to genuinely change, seek out professional assistance, and maintain adherence to a new way of living and being lies with him.

Perhaps for sanity’s sake, it’s time for you to take a good step back so you see the experience with greater clarity. The path you have chosen for yourself to this point, and where you wish for that path to take you in the future. Where are you enabling him by remaining with him? How long is too long without substantive effort and change. Do you wait to see if he chooses to change? And if so, how long do you wait? Or has he already demonstrated his choice and you’ve simply yet to walk away. To know the answer is to heed the wise idiom “Trust but Verify” as it is most appropriate in this circumstance.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you placing your life, safety, and overall wellbeing first and before that of another. You’ll never know what’s on the other side of this most important choice / decision until you make it and embark accordingly. Sometimes we are better off moving forward alone, then hoping, and praying someone else will change and willingly become the person we wish them to be.

The only person you ever have true control over in life is you. So, choose wisely for yourself and make no apologies for doing so. Loving yourself means loving yourself more, loving yourself enough to make the tough choices when your own safety and stability are compromised by another person’s choices.

You need not endure this particular life experience and lesson any longer than you believe necessary. You are in control of your life choices. That is equally true and applicable for him. As the custodian of your life and its experience(s), choose to live in a manner that is commensurate with the life, love, joy, and happiness you seek. Life is a precious gift; treat it accordingly.