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Fix This Situation
- CHILD/CHILDREN
- COMMUNICATION/MISCOMMUNICATION
- FORGIVENESS
DearJames,
I’ve had a falling out with my son, my only child. His wife hates me and says I’m never allowed to see my grandchildren again. EVER.
It’s been over four months since I’ve seen them, and I’m blocked in every way from contacting them. I can’t even see my son. No one will speak to me. My grandchildren are 12 & 9 and I missed Thanksgiving, Christmas, and their birthdays. I’m so distraught; all I do is cry.
It’s ruining my life, my friendships, and my marriage. No one can believe they are doing this to me. Their silence has brought out PTSD that I didn’t realize I even had from my son’s biological father.
He would never speak to me, and this is worse. What can I do to fix this situation?
Grandma
Dear Fix This Situation,
History has a way of repeating itself until we learn its lessons.
Like Father, Like Son!
Until you recognize the role each of you is playing in these inter-personal relationships, the saga will continue. It’s not enough to only see what they are doing to you; you must also be willing to see what role you play in this dynamic. What is yours to own? What is theirs to own?
One of the greatest mistakes (aka choices) you’ll ever make is allowing another to hold you mentally and emotionally hostage. People only treat you the way you allow them to. Thus, it’s high time you turn the tables and live your life for you.
While the pain of being ostracized is real, the pain of being manipulated and controlled is far greater, as you are complicit in its occurrence. Your Hand. Your Choice. Your Decision.
Once your son and daughter-in-law see that they are not able to wield their children as weapons against you, the power they believe they hold disintegrates. It’s not easy to do, however, sometimes you must be willing to lose everything, to gain it back. Gain it however, in a far more balanced and respectful manner.
Ultimately, the three of you are responsible for the current state of affairs, as no one individual lives in a vacuum.
So, to fix the situation, be willing to be open, raw, and vulnerable. Accept responsibility for your role in this dynamic. Be earnest and heartfelt in any conversations or correspondence you have with them. Do so without being held hostage. You will know quickly enough whether they are willing to do the same.
If others are not earnestly willing and committed to resolve the issues, you’ll find you are dancing alone. And while that’s great for you, it will do little to bring about the desired change you seek. Individual change is a solo act. Inter-personal change however is dependent upon mutually receptive individuals agreeing to show up and dance with one another.
The thing that matters most in this situation is the children’s well-being and not what each ADULT thinks of the other. Children deserve to be loved and experience love, pure and simple. There is no such thing as too much love when the purity of love is present.
Live Your Life. Make attempts to reconcile with your son and daughter-in-law. Should they not be receptive, love, cherish and adore your grandchildren from afar, while never giving up hope that someday, sooner rather than later, all of you will see the error of your ways and make amends to end the dysfunction and harm each is causing.