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Hopeless & Shutdown
- DATING/RELATIONSHIPS
- LOVE
- SELF-VALUE/WORTH/CONFIDENCE
DearJames,
I am a 27-year-old woman whose never had the opportunity of experiencing another level of love from a male. I’ve never had a significant other. I see all my friends/family have love or have experienced it. I’ve done some positive work on myself and acquired some things so that I can be prepared for what’s to come. I dug deep in reference to some inner issues so I wouldn’t place my burdens on another through therapy. I’m beginning to think something is wrong because I’m nearly 30 and I don’t know what certain things feel like in reference to experiences (besides sex) with a male. I let go and had fun, I’ve dated with a purpose, and I don’t date more than one guy at a time because I like having the full experience of being courted, growing together etc. But the guys have turned out to be deceitful, unwilling or they run. I’m feeling hopeless and shutdown in this area of my life.
Anonymous
Dear Hopeless & Shutdown,
You need not be hopeless or shutdown, you need only be keenly aware of your underlying thoughts, beliefs and feelings toward love, relationships and commitment.
That which you put out into the world, is already coming back to you.
Here we have a case of commitment / abandonment phobia. You have gone to great lengths to hide or cover your pain, your fear. And while you have taken steps to work on yourself, which I applaud you for, you are just at the beginning of this long journey of self-discovery.
You have deep-seated fear of being left, abandoned, hurt or used by another and more specifically by men. You have built up great walls around you to prevent yourself from ever experiencing that…again.
Thus your true internal beliefs, thoughts and feelings in this area of your life mirror exactly the description you gave of the men you have dated; deceitful, unwilling, fleeing.
By consciously or subconsciously viewing love, relationships and commitment as deceitful, and by furthering your protection by being unwilling to truly love, you flee before ever arriving, as you have never truly given yourself.
Love is a raw emotion. To truly experience it, it must be given and received freely, without limitation, expectation or ulterior motive. It cannot be meted out in a never-ending game of cat and mouse, for that is merely manipulation and deceit masquerading as love.
Never was there a victor based upon the spoils of love. Love must be genuine and authentic in order to be truly experienced. Anything less is but a dance, a charade, an imitation and the resulting experiences reflect that same longing and lack.
Sex is not love, for sex is not conditioned upon love and most certainly occurs devoid of love. Thus you know that feeling and experience i.e. (sex devoid of love) with a male counterpart, yet love with a mate has eluded you.
Love eludes you because you elude love.
In order to experience love, you must be love. You must be willing to give of yourself in a way and manner that is devoid of limitation, expectation and ulterior motive. This is not to say that one should be blind in love for certainly that would lead to a whole other set of issues and circumstances.
However, what it does mean is that in order to truly experience love, you must be willing. Willing to experience and accept the highest of the highs and potentially the lowest of the lows. Love is not perfect…or is it.
Love is simply the full expression of our individual and collective souls and life experiences. Love is life itself. When you love fully, wholly, completely, your life and everything in it mirrors that reflection back to you.
Be the love you wish to see in your life; and it will cease to elude you.