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Going Insane
- DATING/RELATIONSHIPS
- ACCOUNTABILITY/RESPONSIBILITY
- LIFE DIRECTION/PURPOSE
DearJames,
I have been in a relationship for quite some time now. At first it was beautiful, until I found out about online infidelity. I called him out on it, more than once, finding that he talks to me the same way he does the other women. I gave him chance after chance to be honest with me and kept catching him in lies.
I do love him in many ways, and he has a good heart. He also has flaws and addictions that he swears he is going to quit, and after all these months he has not really shown any initiative. I love his heart but I also do not know if I really should keep giving him chances. He swears he loves me and has changed, but I’m at the crossroads of giving up or holding on. I’m in a confused place with all of this and feel like I’m going insane.
Anonymous
Dear Going Insane,
Each of you is a mirror unto the other so you may see and experience yourselves more fully, more clearly. To that end, no matter how many chances you give him, the situation will remain the same until you both address the “disconnect” between you and the underlying cause(s) creating this situation.
Each is responsible for their part and contribution.
Your partners internet infidelity is a direct sign of a deeper unhappiness within him first, and the greater relationship second. Whether literal or figurative, infidelity always masks deeper issues. The flaws and addictions are further expressions of this same dis-ease within him. Each are evidence of his inability and/or unwillingness to address the core issues at the root of his behavior.
He is not alone in this, as most humans utilize some form of diversion to avoid dealing with their deepest demons and dis-ease.
Based on what was kept confidential, you too are entertaining diversion to avoid facing past and present issues directly. Your feelings of insanity stem from presuming that your continual generosity and avoidance will somehow deliver you to a better place and circumstance. And yes, avoidance on your part, as you stay in this relationship without facing and addressing the unspoken reasons behind why you remain.
It is never the reasons we tell ourselves on the surface but rather the ones that remain hidden and unspoken.
For each of you, it is high time you make difficult yet honest decisions.
Decide whether you wish to remain in this relationship, and why. Decide if you have received and learned all your soul intended for you by being with the other or whether there is still yet more on offer. Decide whether committing to professional counseling will benefit you individually and as a couple. Decide whether you are better together or apart. DECIDE.
Once these decisions have been made, commit to keeping them. While time heals all wounds, the proof really is in the pudding. Deeds not words. Actions not promises. Truth not deceit.
To not deal with your respective, underlying issues, is to further bring them along with you in this relationship or another, and all future life experiences. The famous quote “Everywhere you go, there you are,” is poignantly applicable. Choosing to be consciously aware and accepting of this truth sets the stage for you to make better choices. Choices that will heal and transcend with great wisdom and clarity.
Choices worthy of all you truly desire.