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Deception
- ANGER/RAGE
- ABUSE/ABANDONMENT/NEGLECT
- CONTROL
DearJames,
My first question is my husband bought / refinanced a car in his name only. I previously spoke to him about my name being removed because I didn’t have full access to it, which alone caused me to be unhappy. However, I tried to let it ride hoping to get another car. However, before I could do what we agreed upon my husband and I argued again, and that next day he purchased a newer car behind my back, to keep from driving the car we both originally owned. What should I do?
Jasmine
Dear Deception,
Clearly there is a lack of communication, honesty and integrity playing out between you and your husband. Control or a controlling nature is also popping up.
It appears as though your husband is the “breadwinner” and you are a stay at home wife and he feels he is entitled to do with what he pays for, without your shared concurrence.
Ultimately, in every relationship, compromise is a necessary component for the relationship to stay balanced and healthy. Here, compromise has been thrown out the window, along with mutual love, care, consideration, and respect.
I sense you are not totally or completely innocent in this ongoing battle of the wills, as I see you blatantly or willfully pushing his buttons or poking the bear, as the sayings go. Thus, you are both stuck in a cat and mouse game of maneuvers, manipulations, and retaliations.
Communication and integrity are key, and you both need to earnestly come to the table and decide; are we IN or are we OUT of this marriage. If you are IN, then you need to take very active steps to repair this relationship / marriage and learn how to treat one another better.
If it’s over, then it’s over. Leave with class, grace, dignity, and respect. It’s evident that if you both don’t do that, then more of the same is to follow, with ever-greater acts of abuse, revenge, retaliation etc.
Speak openly with your husband and ask calmly why he did what he did. If the answer you receive isn’t one of care, love, and respect, you have your answer…and in more ways than one.
This is a wakeup call for you both, on many, many, many different levels. Heed the alarm bells and proceed with calm confidence and caution. This is about more than just a car; it’s about your entire relationship.
So, it’s time for you both to face the music and make deliberate, respectful choices. Life is not a dress rehearsal, and the clock of life is going tick, tock, tick, tock.
DearJames®
DearJames,
DearJames, I enjoyed your answer for the most part. However, I was wondering what did you think I should have done? I rode the bus more than I drove. We both placed a down payment on the car. I bought the city sticker, we both had tickets, thus I needed to and paid for private parking until that was cleared, plus the title of the vehicle was in both our names.
He didn’t have a driver’s license, yet he prevented me from driving and threatened to try to place me in jail if I drove the car! Because he paid the note which is another involved story. I wanted to say forget it and move on, and buy another car, however, I was afraid I might have had to pay two car notes.
By the way yes, he received more finances than I, however, I only poked the bear after I was threatened. Additionally, he and I have separated since I submitted my question.
PS, I forgot to say thank you for answering my question before replying to your answer. DearJames, Thank You very much.
Deception
Dear Deception,
Thank you for your comments and reply. I am very happy to learn that you have separated. This was the morale of the issue for you both. This was not a healthy relationship / arrangement, and the point of the answer was to get you to see the situation for what it truly is/was…unhealthy.
Learn from this experience, so you don’t place yourself in those circumstances again in the future.
Be incredibly mindful of what you are drawing to yourself. Do not become jaded by the experience(s), rather seek to understand what in you draws these experiences to yourself. Seek to earnestly understand and transcend them, so you continually evolve higher and higher in consciousness.
Each moment is a new opportunity for learning and self-discovery.
And, to answer your specific question, you should have moved to remove yourself sooner than you did from this situation, as you knew at each turn it was not a healthy, respectful arrangement. Staying, when you know the writing is on the wall and the examples just keep coming, are alarm bells for you to act. In the end, you did just that, so bravo!
Wishing you the best on your continued life journey.