Alone In The House

I was not born into a loving, supportive family so I wouldn’t know what one looks like.  I give my heart whole heartedly and am always surprised when I am betrayed or find out I am not cared about as equally as I love others.

Over twenty years ago – I took my partners parents and little sister in (permanent guests in my home – for awhile) when they suffered a bankruptcy. I was starting a life with their son, how could I not.

Besides the quiet, withdrawn sister, I found the parents jovial and fun and very entertaining. We enjoyed many nice years together.  I didn’t always think our morals and ethics lined up, but we were family and compromise is important.

I had suffered several ailments and had some issues I was sad about – but their motto was a very stern- move on – get over it – your health problems are your own creation.  Very “tough love” individuals. 

Then over 6 years ago the younger sister did something that upset my professional world. I pouted, stewed, then eventually blew up about it.  I was chastised, punished, shunned and simply ignored.  I spent 5 years in utter anguish.

I was too afraid to speak to them but chose to email the mother hoping she would soften.  She ignored me and eventually told her son to “put his foot down” and demand I get over it.  It was embarrassing to them all.  The mother was trying to establish herself as a spiritual leader and this wasn’t going to make her look good.

It was understood that they would only speak to me if I never brought up the wrongs.  It was very clearly told to me in a forceful ultimatum. Note: we were (and still are) totally estranged.  I have not seen them in years though we live 15 minutes away.

I got sick.  I couldn’t work. I couldn’t walk. I barely functioned. I had health issue after health issue and no one cared.  I even spent occasions like Christmas Eve alone because my partner and children went to visit them.

Then my sorrow turned to anger and I hated them.   As our social circle overlapped, I heard how I was criticized.  Our estrangement and family feud were forbidden to be spoken about.

Then slowly, by slowly, I encountered story after story about how other people felt about them.  I wouldn’t have been able to “hear” such opinions had I not been so mad with them myself.  For I at one time really loved them as my own family.

Tuns out most people felt there was an inability to develop true relationships with these folks because they didn’t have the ability to do so or rather all these spurned people were really of no importance to them and they didn’t even recognize the need to nurture beyond what the person could do for them or how they could make money from them.

Then I felt sad for them.

My view of them changed.  I hadn’t noticed how they went from project to project and how they boasted their own reputation like it was a God given right. I saw through the feigned positive thinking.  I saw their flaws.

I started to send Christmas wishes and birthday greetings to the mother. A baby arrival congratulations to the sister (she has married, has had two children and I wasn’t invited to any of it).

But I had to force myself.  There is this strong reluctance.  I went to a Christmas concert where I met up with the parents last winter.  I felt the mother’s energy.  It was cold, angry, distant.  The father felt like he was play-acting which is part of his normal personality, and it did not feel right. 

Is this Protection or rejection?   I know there is an obligation.  These are my children’s extended family.

Without the closure of talking about the issue there will never be a bond. I have learned to live with their enforced boundaries, my partner’s too as he has his Facebook life with his family, and I am forbidden to be his “friend.”  He feels insistent that our lives can continue like this.

I am learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

My reluctance is toward how I am to adjust to this.  I have moments I feel sorry for them.  Moments when I feel “they just don’t know any better,” and yes times when I hate them horribly.

I’m asking for guidance.