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Confused In Love
- DATING/RELATIONSHIPS
- BREAKUP/SEPARATION/DIVORCE
- ADDICTION
DearJames,
I am a young, hardworking, twice divorced mother of a 3-year-old. I have always had a career-oriented state of mind, so at 23 I own my own house and a new car. Recently, my best guy friend of 15 years, revealed he had feelings for me, and has for a while. After much contemplation, I decided to give it a shot. The problem is, because I’ve known him for so long, I’m aware of his criminal background and addictive personality. We have been dating just shy of four weeks now and he has already come to my house high three times. I’ve made him aware this is a problem because it exposes my son to an environment, I don’t want him to know. He apologizes and promises he won’t do it again every time. He has a suspended license; thus, no car and I am the chauffeur, a pending court trial, and no job. I am torn between saying forget it, we’ve been dating a month and 3-strikes, you’re out! And being the friend/lover, I’ve always been. Maybe he needs someone like me so he can straighten his life out. Maybe I’m the rock he needs. Help!
Confused In Love
Dear Confused In Love,
The title you submitted with your question was “Friends Make Better Lovers…Right.” Well, No No No, friends don’t always make better lovers and certainly NOT in this instance.
Having the gift of insight (i.e.15 years of friendship) should have spared you the need for hindsight later.
You willfully invited this romantic relationship into not only your life but also that of your sons, knowing full well your friend’s criminal history, addictive personality and easily discernible drug use.
And you now question whether or not you should continue this aspect of your relationship? I don’t mean to be callous, however, this just begs the need for better judgment and decision making on your part.
When you dabble with fire, 9 times out of 10, you are going to get burned.
This friendship should have stayed just that, friendly, but not intimate or sexual: if even that. Knowing the path upon which this “friend” was traveling, was not a good one, you should have distanced yourself, not opened the door for intimacy, sex and uncharacteristic behavior.
By inviting this friend into your home/bed, who is in serious need of drug and dependency counseling, as well as other forms of counseling, you have placed yourself and your son smack dab in the middle of the hurricane.
Addicts lie; it’s simply what they do as a coping mechanism. They never “intend” for their actions to be harmful or hurtful, they just are: both to themselves and everyone around them.
If you love your 3-year old son as I presume you do, then do the right thing by him and immediately transition this relationship back to a neutral, non-intimate / physical platonic one.
You can’t have it both ways and here you knew the score before you ever placed your bet.
You don’t have to be cruel or ruthless, however, you do have to be vigilant and unwavering. Express yourself calmly yet confidently as to why things must alter, yet once again, between you. Express your need to protect and care for your son and this time…mean it.
Tomorrow is another day and who knows what the future may hold for each of you. However, today you DO KNOW what the score is and it is not a winning combination.