Photo Credit: Geanina Bechea/Shutterstock©️
Survivor
- DATING/RELATIONSHIPS
- ADDICTION
- FAMILY/FRIENDS
DearJames,
In 1987 I dated someone, and we both drank and used drugs. It was a very volatile and passionate relationship. It took me a very long time to get over it but I did move on and ended up in a very difficult marriage. Fast forward to 2010. This same old boyfriend finds me on Facebook, and we start talking again. Over the course of 9 months, we kept in constant contact. Very innocent. Mostly reflecting on the mistakes of our failed relationship. I have been sober since 1993 and he told me that he drank occasionally and hadn’t done meth since 1999. We ended up starting to see each other in person and he was always very respectful to me. I would share with him my life and he mentioned that I just wasn’t the same happy person I was when we were younger. He was right. I had ballooned up to 232 pounds and really had just given up. He told me that he was sad for me and my life. I got to thinking that he was right. I had recently lost my mom and my stepdad, and I was in a loveless marriage. I stopped stuffing my face and lost 80 pounds and asked for a divorce. My ex-boyfriend and I started a physical relationship but there was no talk of a future relationship, and we were both happy with that. He did over time reveal to me that he does in fact still use meth and in fact he sells it. I knew because of my lifestyle and lives of my children that I really couldn’t have anything to do with this man. I ended the friendship, but it isn’t that easy. I have blocked his number and then he changes it.
Over the course of the last 4 years, we have reconnected about 6 times. I keep ending the relationship because I end up losing my temper with him. He doesn’t ask and won’t take money from me. He doesn’t use or drink around me. He is always respectful to me. I know for a fact that I am the only person in his life that is sober. When we have ended our relationship again, I pray to God that he doesn’t call me. He always comes back. I always take him back. I feel comfortable with him. We can tell each other everything. The last time we argued, he told me to stop blocking him because we will be in each other’s lives for the rest of our lives. This last time we made up, I decided that instead of beating myself up over this, just to try and have a different perspective. Do I need to erase him from my life? If he wanted me to become dependent on him, he may have been able to by now. I know that I’m strong in every aspect of my life except this. I have not started dating since my divorce in 2011 and I haven’t met anyone that really interests me yet. I have my children most of the time, so I really don’t have a lot of free time anyway. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2011 and went through treatment. I am now a survivor and my perspective on life is totally different. I am grateful every day. I am joyful every day. I have the most amazing life and I feel I owe it to this man. I believe that if I was still married when I got cancer I never would have survived.
I guess my question is should I keep my distance from this man, or does it really matter if we maintain a relationship? The stress I feel when we are ‘broken up’ is far worse than the guilt I feel of being with him because of his lifestyle. He has told me that he wants me in his life because I am the only person that doesn’t use him, that doesn’t want anything from him and that truly cares about what happens to him and that is true.
Are you able to advise me?
Myrtle Sherman
Dear Survivor,
A caterpillar never understands a butterfly. I applaud you for becoming a butterfly by getting clean and sober and staying that way, at least where the drugs and alcohol are concerned.
The other addiction you have yet to deal with is the addiction to this man and the purported feelings you have for him. In many ways, this man is like a drug to you and you need to take a serious look at the underlying reasons why.
Why do you need this man in your life? Why do you continue to see him and subject your children to him when he has not only continued to use and abuse drugs for 27+ years, but also now deals them to others? Why would you risk your life or that of your children’s by having this man in your home?
Whether using or dealing, drugs and their associated life risks are well documented. Why in all good consciousness would you continue to subject yourself or your children to that level of risk on a routine, sustained basis? This man has willfully chosen to INCREASE his addiction related life choices, not decrease or stop them all together.
It only takes ONE TIME for some disgruntled or high and disgruntled user/client to show up at your residence while this man is present and forever alter your life and/or that of your children. NOTHING is worth that, especially when you have come so far.
Once you realize you are “addicted” to this man and your history, you will come to see things in a very different light. You need to understand the root causes and ties of this relationship and then seek to transcend them.
You haven’t dated since your divorce because you aren’t really available. You’re content being addicted and you need to address and overcome this final addiction. You and your children deserve nothing less and while the journey may be harrowing at times, the end result is true liberation from the demons that led you there in the first place.
You stated “if he wanted me to become dependent on him he may have been able to by now.” Don’t you see that is exactly what you are, dependent and indebted to him, by your own beliefs, thoughts and actions? He doesn’t have to take your money when he is clearly playing Russian roulette with your and your children’s lives.
And while he may have been supportive or helped you see that you were unhappily married, he didn’t tell you anything you didn’t already know. He may have been a catalyst, however, he was not your “will” and you owe him nothing.
You lost weight and sought a divorce because you knew it was the right or best thing for YOU and you had immense inner strength and will power. You need to continue doing the right thing for YOU, by seeing this situation and relationship for what it truly is, addictive.
By empowering yourself even further, you arm yourself with the necessary coping skills to transcend all your addictions. You can only transcend something by first acknowledging its existence, presence and hold over your life.
Double-down on your self-worth and value by releasing this man and relationship once and for all. Then choose to be a SURVIVOR…a Butterfly, yet again, by choosing to love yourself above all others. By doing so you’ll not only survive…You’ll THRIVE.
And that is a very beautiful transformation.
DearJames®
DearJames,
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
After reading (and re-reading) your response, I have started a plan to end this relationship. I’m going to try something very different this time and instead of breaking up or telling him that I need a break, I am going to just quietly slip away. Just become unavailable because of work or my kids or other such things.
I am nervous and excited for my new future, and I’ll keep you posted.
With Marie helping me and your advice, there is no way I can fail!!!
You are wonderful.