Photo Credit: justdd/Shutterstock©️
Should I Stay Or Go
- DECISION/INDECISION
- DATING/RELATIONSHIPS
- LIFE DIRECTION/PURPOSE
DearJames,
I am currently living with a guy I dated in school. After my divorce we started back talking and he told me he wanted to be with me. I told him I couldn’t give that to him right now, but I didn’t want him out of my life. He really cares for me and has always been here for me. He’s a good person but I don’t think I feel the same way he does about me. I think I want my own place and to date around and eventually fall in love again. I feel I should move out: although my friend wants me to stay in his life. The only place I can go is my mom’s, but she can be very negative, controlling, disrespectful, and religious. She treats me like a child. I’ve lived with her before and it’s not pleasant. I plan on taking some classes and going back to school but she lives more than 30 min away from where I currently live. I know I can find someone to love; but sometimes I wonder if he is or could be the one. Should I stay or go?
Anonymous
Dear Should I Stay Or Go,
You answered the question before you ever started writing it. No, this man is not “the one” for you and to allow him to believe there might be a future for the two of you together as a couple, would be unkind, unjust, unfair…un everything.
That said, there is room for honest, direct, communication between the two of you to see if continuing to be platonic housemates is viable. I use the word viable as opposed to feasible because in this instance it is very feasible but may not be viable.
Viable is to be “capable of working successfully.” Feasible is to be “possible to do easily or conveniently:” emphasis added on conveniently.
Neither of you will want this to continue for convenience’s sake as it will come at a very heavy cost or price. As brutally honest as you will need to be about dating and eventually falling in love again, he will need to be about whether he can truly accept that, focus his attention on other pursuits, and just be friends.
Familiarity breeds contempt and in this instance if your true intentions are not in total, complete alignment with one another, i.e., this is only ever going to be a platonic friendship and we are both absolutely good with that, then disaster will eventually ensue in the form of jealousy, envy, anger, wounded pride / ego, etc. etc. etc.
The heart often wants what the heart wants, and it is only after a well-reasoned, seasoned, time apart, that once upon a time love interests become solely friends, if ever. So, each of you must be honest with one another or more importantly, be really honest with yourselves in order to discern the best way forward for each of you.
Returning to live with your mother isn’t the answer either. Your need for soulful expression at this time in your life will be in direct conflict with her expectations of the daughter she wishes to have in life, let alone living under her roof.
So, I would say it is high time to face-the-music with grace, honesty, and integrity so you move yourself forward, both literally and metaphorically speaking.
Interview new roommates, search for new housing opportunities, and select the option that will best serve your/everyone’s best interests.
Respect is a precious gift, certainly one worthy of consideration and application in this instance.
Open yourself to the best possible solution(s) and surely you will find your way.