Coming To A Close

I think a chapter of my life is starting to close and I’m quite torn on how to feel or what to think. My live-in boyfriend/partner/ fiancée of 5 yrs. (friends for 8) and father of my child for 3 years, is the one I’m leaving.

I’ll start at the beginning. We met when I was 17. He ran a concert venue, and I was already living on my own. My twin wanted me to walk her to this show (at his establishment). I obliged as she didn’t know where it was. When we arrived, she told the door guy (her prospective hook up) that she was 21.

He gave us wristbands, and all was well until I walked outside to smoke and met/started talking to Josh (my ex-fiancée). I found out later that he was the GM of the place. Thus, I did not admit to my ACTUAL age out of fear of not only getting both Gina and me kicked out, but also putting a stranger out of a job, when I wasn’t even the one that had lied!

We hit it off immediately, and dated on and off for almost a month before I told him. I realize I should’ve just told him, but again, I didn’t want Travis to lose his job for giving underaged girls wristbands (he thought we were 20).

Once I told him. We didn’t talk for over a year, when we started talking again, I was dating an extremely abusive user, and he kind of swooped me off my feet! I was in love with him since the second night we spent together not because of sex (as we hadn’t done that yet), but because of who he was and how he treated me.

Fast forward 5 years. We now have a house (rented), a car (fully owned), two cats and a beautiful two-year-old son, (Theo). Since about a year into our relationship, he started becoming closed off, not talking to me, etc. Then we found out we were pregnant; it was a huge shock as neither of us thought we could get pregnant due to him having an injury and abuse/disease with me.

He pretty much ignored the pregnancy for the first 6 months, lost his job when I was 8 months and didn’t start working again till Theo was 8 months old. I supported us that whole time, while also doing all the housework and exclusively breastfeeding our son.

He finally found a full-time job and I stopped working due to health reasons and him thinking I was unfaithful or lying to him whenever I worked. He was employed for a year before losing the job due to the IRS.

During the time he worked, he would go out with his coworkers (all bachelor’s) get bottle service downtown and not come home till sometimes 4am. I’ve stuck it out with him because I loved him and still do. For the past year, at very least, he’s been increasingly disrespectful, explosively angry, and extremely distant.

We’ve had sex less than ten times this past year and at 30, he is slightly obese and at 22, while I am not unattractive, I am not all sunshine and roses. But 10 times in a year, WTF? When we met, I was practically homeless, without a steady job and no high school diploma or driver’s license.

I had been abused or abandoned by almost EVERY person in my life. I was really struggling, and he said in the last fight we had, that he tried breaking up with me before we even started dating but I wouldn’t leave. (Not true, as he knowingly pursued me with a boyfriend!)

I’ve worked the entire time we’ve dated other than this past year. Essentially, he pays the bills (not in full or on time) and constantly says that that is the reason he’s so stressed and takes it out on our relationship. I try to work, but then he tells me it’s pointless because I can’t make as much as him and that I need to have childcare if I do work.

I’m just really confused as to how I should feel. He HAS done a lot for me, but he’s also stood in my way and degraded/disrespected me both privately and publicly. I now have my GED and driver’s license, no thanks to him! (Literally REFUSED to drive me the morning of my GED because he was tired.

He doesn’t let me have any time for myself (haven’t showered without my son in over two weeks) and then yells about me not doing anything all day. He’s told me all his friends think/thought I’m a “waste of space” “clinger” “using him” “crazy” and has also said my own family thinks I’m selfish, self-absorbed, and emotionally unstable.

He tells me my own family says this to him behind my back. I’ve lost all my friends due to Josh feeling insecure and assuming every person I befriend wants in my pants.

So, I just want an unbiased opinion. I am very cranky in the morning, especially with not sleeping a full night in almost three years. I do yell at him for him not helping me out with the housework and baby because he is not working right now and am additionally agitated in the morning due to my abuse.

I just really don’t feel like I’m THAT horrible to him! And he tells me I make him want to die. That he HATES LIVING WITH ME, that he’s miserable, yet says he’s in love with me. Loves our family. Is appreciative of me blahblahblah. Last night, I went over to try and talk. I told him we needed to talk. That we weren’t just going to act like nothing happened like we always do and were going to iron this out tonight or at least start to or I’m leaving tomorrow morning for good!

What does he do? Falls asleep 4 hours before he usually does. Then throws a fit at 5 am because Theo was laying on him and went to sleep on the couch. In my mind, that was his cowardly way of saying “I don’t care if you stay or leave, just shut up!” Thanks in advance for whatever you have to say!