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It's Complicated
- DATING/RELATIONSHIPS
- PAST/FUTURE
- DECISION/INDECISION
DearJames,
I just got divorced after 30 years of marriage. About 10 months ago I ran into my long-time friend, someone I have always had feelings for, and found out he feels the same way.
We have been seeing each other since then, but we can’t ever have anything together because of his mother. She has this hate towards me for a past thing that happened when I was 12 years old.
I called her a bitch, among other things she said I said, however, I don’t recall the situation. Regardless, she found out about us and said she will never accept me for him.
We love each other very much. We see each other all the time, and as long as she doesn’t find out, he says all will be fine. He says we will be together when she passes away, and only then does he see us living together.
What can I do or am I wasting my time?
Anonymous
Dear It's Complicated,
Time heals all wounds unless it doesn’t.
One thing though is certain, this man’s sense of love, honor and/or sense of obligation to and with his mother. On the one hand, he secretly sees you, and yet on the other, he directly shows you that he will not openly “make a life with you,” until his mother passes.
If the clarity of his terms and position are acceptable to you, then you have no complication. However, if it is not amenable to you, you must then decide for yourself what is acceptable, and go forth accordingly.
Affairs of the heart are often seen as complicated when in reality they are really quite simple.
Yes, our desires and emotions play a large role in human relations, and certainly can and do muddy the waters. Yet it is up to each of us to regain our equilibrium and sense of self, so we make appropriate life choices from a healthy and balanced perspective.
If your sphere of gravity is out of kilter, chances are, so are your life choices, experiences, and relationships. Be willing to investigate your intentions as they relate to this man, his mother, and the need or desire you have to be loved, to be in this relationship / dynamic.
Karmic past lives can also play a role, so be very mindful of what you are holding onto, or better yet, what you’re not letting go of. Some things are better off left in the past, and this may just be “one of those things.” To truly know, love yourself first. Love yourself enough. Love yourself more.